So I should explain my post from earlier this week. I triggered for a few reasons this week, but the biggest was from MC on Tuesday. We were in our therapists office and I brought up a topic Jake and I had discussed at home a couple of times. Jake said he only remembered one conversation about, the second, not the first. I had opened up about something very difficult, was quite vulnerable. He’d done this before, didn’t remember me opening up about my childhood sex abuse in therapy (our therapist remembered). It’s not like your average conversation, these are IMPORTANT things. And for him to have no memory of it, hurt me, deeply. I mean after that first conversation in August, he had even acknowledged the conversation later that night via a text, which I showed him to jog his memory. Nope. So I was crushed.
So I’ve been triggery all week, feeling unimportant, blah blah blah. Friday night we’d been out with friends, I had way too much wine, got home, we argued.
Yesterday he had to work, and well, I unleashed on him via text. Not my finest moment at all. I don’t like doing that, I don’t want to compartmentalize my hurt or anger, but I don’t like just lashing out either. We don’t communicate like that anymore and have made GREAT strides in communication. I was just SO hurt.
One of my texts read:
You destroyed me for pathetic whores who spread their legs for anyone. Pathetic women who spread their legs in a tiny dirty office who had no morals. Got down on their knees and sucked your dick on a filthy floor. You fucked whores. Any you were willing to throw me away for those filthy dirty whores. Yet you criticized ME. I was faithful. I washed the clothes you wore while you fucked them. I sucked your dick after you had it inside Lourdes’ disgusting gaping cum dumpster p***y. I got infections from her vile nasty c**t.
You killed my heart. I’m broken because of you. You destroyed me. You repeatedly chose to betray me. What did I do to deserve it? You should have just left me instead. But you lied to my face every single day. Blamed me for your anger.
There was a lot more, but that one was the worst. I think I sent him something like 23 texts. He didn’t reply to any, which I knew he wouldn’t. He took 4 days off last week and I knew he would be very busy at work. I didn’t expect a reply, I didn’t want a reply.
The last text I sent, it was a few hours after the onslaught. I apologized.
When he got home, he was really quiet. I apologized to him again. He said I didn’t have anything to apologize for because everything I’d said was true, with exception of a few things.
I said okay, what things?
He said #1 You are not a failure (meaning me). You didn’t fail, I did.
Okay, I know this in my head. But in my heart, he had 4 affair partners! It’s hard not to think what was I lacking. But I do know it was about him, not me. It’s just hard to wrap my head around it, though I know I never will be able to.
#2, he does not admire them. I said, but you told me you did, that you admired their work ethic, that they were good mothers, etc. He said he was very wrong about that. He sees it clearly now and everything he thought he “admired” was false. They could never measure up to me.
#3 he does not, did not, and could not prefer them to me sexually. He is not lying to me about that. I said, but one (AP#2) was tighter than I am (yeah, I’m the idiot who asked that). And he said yeah okay, but I almost always had to finish myself off, I couldn’t finish just through sex with her.
He said that it was okay that I unleashed on him, he wasn’t angry about it. He deserved it. I told him I felt very bad about it, and he said why? Everything I said about him and them was true. I told him it wasn’t beneficial to our recovery. He said it was okay for me to get it out because he knows once I do, then I’m able to continue to move forward again. That I need to get the anger out sometimes and he wasn’t going to get defensive and he wasn’t going to argue with me.
Now, had he started arguing back with me, I’m sure I would have continued in my anger filled bubble. But he totally comforted me by all of that. The anger is gone completely this morning. Hell it was last night. Then we had amazing make up sex.
He’s changed so much and I guess this guy is here to stay. I was just so surprised at my lashing out because I just don’t do that. He did apologize for not remembering the important conversation, he felt awful about that. I told him why it hurt me and he understood completely. He also reiterated that he knew lying to me about his porn slip was wrong, that he can’t do that to me again. He KNOWS this. He can’t lie to me again. Lying sets me back to day one again, and he is so upset that not only did he look at the porn, but that he lied about it. He is ashamed of himself that he could do that.
He told me that he loves me, he wants me in his life and wishes he could change everything he did to hurt me. I apologized again for lashing out at him and that I knew it was wrong of me to do that, that I love him and I too want him in my life.
I know my reaction is not healthy and I should not have lashed out. I was sincere in my apology, I told him was not trying to excuse it or minimize it. I am now trying to go back to my happy zen place.