Obviously, after infidelity, trust is a huge issue. I know I’ve said before on this blog that I will never 100% trust Jake again. This has caused some controversy, but it’s the truth. Why? Because I know what he is capable of. I’d be a fool to trust unequivocally again. It’s just the way it is now.
That isn’t exactly what this post is about though. At least I don’t think so. I was struck Sunday in thinking about how people I’ve been supposed to trust over my lifetime have been the very ones who’ve let me down the most. I touched on this a bit this past spring after my biological father died. Ruminating over the feelings of who he was (pedophile) and how both my father and my husband, the two men who are supposed to love me the most, have also hurt me the most.
I mean, I have “daddy” issues. My mom got remarried when I was 8 and while I have a pretty good relationship with my dad (step dad, but my DAD) now, I didn’t until I became an adult. So I always felt unloved growing up. I was very attached to my grandfather but he passed away when I was 16. After he died, I was alone.
My first boyfriend was also my first sexual experience too. Two weeks after we started dating. Hindsight, I should have waited a lot longer. He cheated on me too while we were dating. Twice, once very early on and once late in our relationship with my friend. I was with him for over 3 years. I found out last year that he cheated on someone else…WITH ME, lying to both of us at the time. That killed me finding this out. I mean it really messed with my head, still does.
After he and I broke up, I went wild I suppose you could say. I became very sexually active with a lot of men. I don’t look back on those days fondly at all. I cringe when I think about it. I was searching though. To feel love. To feel a connection with someone. To feel wanted. Often I felt used, alone and isolated.
When I met Jake, I had given up on men. He was supposed to just be another weekend fling. I look back now and see how broken I was emotionally, that of course I couldn’t see the many red flags. Like how quickly our relationship went, how focused on sex he was, I just wanted to be LOVED. At the time, my mother was also battling breast cancer and I was afraid of losing her. So I flung myself into this relationship hoping that if she died, I wouldn’t be left alone.
I have a touch and go relationship with my mom. At times she’s my best friend, at other times I’d like to throttle her. We have different beliefs and she often likes to push hers on me. I struggle with boundaries with her because I know she means well in her mind. My childhood was rough starting out. After she divorced my biological father she had a string of men in and out of my life. She used and sold drugs. I was often left in the care of my grandmother or my aunt.
Then she found God and a church which was more like a cult than anything else. I was forced into a lot of beliefs that were not to be questioned, ever. Later she determined it was the wrong church, but by then, the damage had been done to my psyche during my formative years. I have a lot of trust issues with church and it’s difficult for me to deal with.
I’ve posted before that my self-esteem was completely shot by the time I was 12. I mean let’s face it, I am a red-head with freckles and I was bullied growing up in middle school. I can quote from my 8th grade year book all the people who “apologized” for being so mean to me during the school year, for making fun of me, for tormenting me.
Then to have my husband betray me in such a strong way, obviously, I have trust issues. I have issues being completely vulnerable and believing him when he tells me positive aspects of me. I have fear that he’s with me out of obligation, that I’m not pretty and he prefers something completely different from I am. All my life in one way or another I’ve been told that I am not good enough. So why would he be any different right?
I’ve found that sometimes I am sabotaging myself and in turn Jake and our marriage. Sometimes I subconsciously try to hurt him to see how far I can push him to make sure he won’t leave me. I’ll lash out (not often), I’ll try to avoid my feelings, I’ll try to STOP feeling. I worry that if I allow myself to feel the enormity of everything, even still, it will be too much and I will crash again. So I avoid it. But is that fair? Isn’t that a form of rug sweeping? Yet, I don’t want to rehash, rehash, rehash. So I busy myself, I avoid, I hide.
I’m not sure what my fear is. Will he get tired of my emotions? Will he leave if I don’t heal fast enough? Am I giving him a legit chance to prove himself? However, by not letting my walls down completely, am I harming US, our future? By not allowing myself to be vulnerable, will that damage us? Me? Am I ready to start dealing with my feelings on this beyond a surface level? I know it takes years to heal from infidelity, but I’ve wanted to rush it, get past it. Yet I know logically I have to go THROUGH it to get past it. I just don’t want to get THROUGH it. But if I don’t allow myself to heal properly, what is waiting on the other side, years from now?
- Trust Wisely (psychologytoday.com)
- Love, Trust & Loyalty (marrymephiladelphia.wordpress.com)
- Daring to Be Vulnerable: Opening Up (rebekkaksteg.com)
- Vulnerable No More (soulofqueen.wordpress.com)
- Little Girl Lost – If I Knew Then What I Know Now (cjbailee.wordpress.com)
- Trust (diaryofthev.wordpress.com)